SiD’s Sphere!!

I am thinking about…
the quiz tom morn that i havent studied for, the political mess created by a few irresponsible leaders, the futility of life.

I said…
the ‘eff word’ during a fast on monday while repeating someone else’s words , “go home and ask ur wife” in reply to a very general question today.

I want to…
be salvaged.

I wish…
to never wish again.

I miss…
him.

I hear…
things that r not said

I wonder…
how many ppl would remember

I regret…
nothing

I am…
a nobody destined for nowhere

I used to dance…
to the tune of my heart

I cry…
into my pillow every night

I am not always…
me

I write…
crap

I need…
answers

I finish…
most of the things i begin.

I tag…
anyone who still hasnt done this.

people who check u out from head to toe with piercing looks is nothing new for us poor females in this society everytime we step out of our houses but what happened today was totally unexpected.
I was walking to my point in the mornig already late, when this pathan guy who was comin from the other end of the street took out a 6600 from his pocket, pointed it towards me very blatantly, actually shielding the camera from the sun, clickin and then puttin the phone back in his pocket while i stared back at him too much in awe to be able to react. when he had passed me by, i actually considered smacking him from behind with my extremely heavy bag but i didnt have the time to do that and was also afraid of what he might do in retaliation so just walked on still furious.
i had all but forgotten abt the whole incident till i got to iba. but then in the speech com class, rafia’s topic turned out to be ‘eve-teasing’. the speech was hilarious as she described in great detail ‘the body-piercing gazes’ and the ’sweet taxi drivers who blow kisses’. after the speech, the guys who were probably deeply offended for bein called ‘inherently perverted’, asked if it wasnt the girls’ fault who provoke the men to ogle at them. at this an abaya clad girl in class narrated how even she had to go through the same thing. at which i ws reminded of the morning’s incident.
question for all the guys here: why do u stare at us poor things?

Before threatening to ‘bomb Pakistan back into the stone ages’, little did Richard Armitage realise that Pakistan is capable of doing so to itself. What the superpower would ve achieved after using their state of the art sophisticated military weoponry, Pakistan can do with bare hands and technically unsound systems.
Yesterday was a perfect example of Pakistan’s might. The whole country was shut down for hours and there was no electricity the whole day. What is more admireable is that the long power cuts and loadshedding is goin to continue.
Which other country that posesses nuclear power can u name that uses its power so efficiently?

who is the real me??

the me who runs away from ppl coz i feel they re not to be trusted? OR
the me who’s never initiated a conversation unless spoken to? OR
the me whose best friends are online buddies i’ve never met? OR
the me who’s learning to look ppl in the eye when talking to them? OR
the me who doesnt want to talk to anyone at all? OR
the me who wants the bus to crash coz i feel life is not worth living? OR
the me who wants it to be an empty bus with only me in it coz i dont want anyone else to be hurt? OR
the me who’s tried killin herslf several times but always give up coz im a hypocrite? OR
the me who as a child believed noone loved her? OR
the me who’s been abandoned by the only person who ever claimed he did? OR
the me who’s searchin for answers and lookin for GOD? OR
the me who finds nothing but injustice and selfishness and cruelty wherever i look? OR
the me on the point who’s started lookin out of the glass to notice ppl who sleep on pavements and yet smile? OR
the me who draws the curtains when the sun shines down on me? OR
the me who holds back tears every morning at 8. 30? OR
the me who’s always smiling?

little do ppl realise that life is not as simple as it seems. reality has many faces and none of these otherwise contradictory faces can be called unreal. little do ppl realise that each one of us puts up an act at some time or another without even being aware of it when we say only what others want to listen or do stuff to make ourselves socially acceptable. little also do ppl realise that life with all its twists and turns make ppl behave differently in different situations and that may not necessarily be a split personality or an act.
but despite all that when i was reminded today that honesty pays i was forced to think ‘WHO AM I?’

the really slow laptop is onething but the snail speed dialup is the most irritating thing in the world. i had forgotten what it was like to wait for ur inbox to open in 10 mins. i had grown so used to surfin the internet that i had started takin it for granted.

anyway, the purpose of this post is not to whine but to apologise to all the bloggers i read and those who read my blog for not commentin and replyin to comments u leave here. half the time the comments page doesnt open or when it does somehow or the other im unable to comment. i am still around readin everythin u write. im sorry for not makin my presence felt though. plus i also need to add a side bar with links to all o ur blogs but im feeelin far too lazy right now. it will come up in due course though.

everyday is a struggle to survive even when i see no point of livin in this cruel world. the hardest part is goin through the torture of talkin to a person who was once my only solace. the words that are held back, the questions that are suppressed, the intimacy that is no more only fills the already tense air with more awkwardness when we share civilities like two strangers.

my only request had been to break off all contact. that is all i asked for as a parting gift. id have been better off only with the happy memories. but these awkward moments continue to add to the pain with every passin day.

it seems to me lately that all i blog abt is IBA. not much of a surprise. halfway through the semester thats all it seems remains of life itself. now that i have a laptop at home and a phone that actually works, i dont run off to the IBA ki lab as soon as i get free. (how slow the dialup is another story altogether.) that gives me more time to socialise for a change. just hangin out and crackin jokes. from the beginning IBA was never welcomin. I still havent made friends here like i had in the first few months of my A-Levels. hate admitting it, but was even kinda bored of the same ppl i hang out with. and literally sick of working with them in every report and presentation. couldnt avoid that in IBF again this semester but when the time came to make the groups for Management ki reports i finally worked up the guts to make a group with other people in the class. former group mates were a lil pissed off coz of me ditching them. i wish i didnt have to pretend to be sorry and i wish i could ve told them i didnt like workin with them but its a tough world out there. *sigh*

classes are at their boringest ever. speech com provides some relief though. in every class, 4 or 5 ppl come up to give speeches. the topics have been very interesting so far. one guy did it on ‘why the feudal system should prevail in Pakistan’. u couldnt expect anything else from a guy from a feudal family. in the question and answer session later, a lot of criticisms came up but then, because he was a popular guy ppl went easy on him and some even started defending him.
uruba countered on another’s guy speech on polygamy and that was pretty funny too. and then came the most interesting of all speechs: ‘was zidane justified in headbutting matarazzi?’. the guy givin the speech said he wasnt. most of the class didnt agree so they started grilling him in the question and answer session to the point that it got a lil out of hand. im quoting a few uncensored lines here which may sound a lil offensive and yes it was offensive but this is to show how blunt ppl in general and I in particular can be. hehehe.. enjoy.

Guy A: what would u have done if someone had come up to you and said ‘I want to have a threesome with your mother and sister’. you have to agree that one loses his composure and emotion gives way to logic. Zidane was a human being too.

Guy B: as i pointed out earlier in my speech, I would have probably dont the same thing but then i’m not a professional and he was.I will not quote the exact words that were said to zidane to maintain the sanctity of my speechbut he was representing a nation and when one is shouldering that huge a responsibility he has to keep in his calm.

-at this point i was feelin sorry for the speaker coz everybody was grilling him and most o the girls were casting disgusted looks at Guy A so i couldnt keep myself from saying-

Me: I am sure all of you guys at some point in ur life have been called a mothertoot and a behentoot. those are abuses against ur family too. so howcome u dont headbutt ur best friends who call u that?

a guy C did say sthg like that whenever they use those words they’re usually aimed at the situation rather than a person but did shut all of em. sid 1, guys 0.

but seriously, one downside for us women livin in this patriarchal society is also to get abused our brothers’ and sons’ friends while they’re just jokin around callin em *toot*ers.

and btw, i didnt actually use those expletives in class. i used the word toot. i can be blunt but i am not that blunt.

i could have got an A if i hadnt made this stupid mistake. all my mistakes in these hourlies have been these careless mistakes. in Business Math, i overlooked a negative sign in the equation resulting in an upside down parabola and loss of 2 more marks. another A lost coz i m blind. what i did in accounts is the most commendable of all. i debited what had to be credited and credited what had to be debited and that too after i brag here abt my 95s and 99s. aaaarghhh. what is with me?

i have lost another 2 kgs. and because it doesnt really show i believe its brain matter that im losin it little by little.