SiD’s Sphere!!

have shifted to wordpress after a break from bloggin. so what has happened since i havent been able to blog. umm, my birthday.somehow this happens to always be th most disappointing day of the whole year. this year was full of disappointments so i can say i had a relativity less disappointing day even though some of my best friends forgot to wish me. that is what happens when u remove the date from orkutgoes to show how much ppl depend on technology now. i did get a gr8 card from my class a week later but atleast i did get it. i loved it. . my brothers and dad did send me an sms to wish me.yes, we live in the same house if ure wondering. ammi also always is succesfull in ruining MY DAY but this time it was the day after my b-day that she chose to make me feel miserable. i dont mind. she has the right to. i even got a surprise b-day cake but i didnt get a call from the person who sent it coz i had said sthg very rude to him a day before. this is how i finally said sorry after 4 days of silence.

–x–

an inevitable consequence of being human is feelin hurt. when ure hurt u tend to transfer that pain to ppl u feel closest to. in turn they get hurt and hurt u back. and a vicious cycle starts unless one of the two takes the initiative to apologise for bein human.

im sorry for that. i m sorry for havin too many expectations. im sorry for voicin my disappointment.

u dont have to reply. just remember, unlike u, im not an angel.

–x–

i guess that is the biggest problem with me. i have too many expectations from ppl now. years ago, when i didnt harbour expectations, even though i wasnt happy but i was never disappointed either. disappointments are very hard to take when they too many. anyway, he did reply to the mail.

Iam sorry too. Please Communicate even to the person closest to you (and at times even to yourself) what you want. One tends to hurt oneself, by having expectations (without telling), and when not met blame the other. You dont have to be sorry for voicing your disappointment but for not communicating your expectations. Too many are not an issue as well, its just the expectation of having everything met, is the issue. I

am not an angel too, dont throw me in shit / gutter / sewer and expect me to comeout clean everytime.

Hope you understand.

–x–

the email conversation continued..

i cannot do that. if i communicate what i want, its tantamount to forcing someone to give it to me. i dont want to take anything that someone has not thought of givin me.

–x–

and listen to my side of the story….”me ordering the cake and receiving the message right then…”.

–x–

im really sorry. i didnt have the cake. i was waiting for u to call to wish me to thank u first. i didnt realise ud be angry with me. it finished before i could have tasted it. im really sorry. it did give me an excuse to msg shakiba to tell her that her last name was changed by u and that she forgot my b-day, like most of the ppl.

i didnt know why i copy pasted my e mails here. the best autobiographies often include letters that the writer wrote to others. gives a deeper perspective.

then this week was bhaii’s b-day. ammi prepapred a treat fit for a king at iftar. i had by mistake sent bhaii an sms a day earlier on his b-day. yes we still live in the same house.

then..what else? a friend from IBA who’s probably goin to read this evantually gave me his usb for sthg. bein the nose poker i am, i opened up his stuff and read some personal e mails. didnt realise until i had finished readin that this was prolly stuff i shouldnt have read. but then again, some part of me is even glad that i did. sometime’s others optimism gives u hope that life may just be worth it.

but my hope didnt last long. a few days later, i got this email

–x–

….On another note, i’ve again been under this feeling of uselessness of life > (something we discussed earlier). You know its such a depressing feeling, > i feel that if you are there or not, no one cares, you are just living for > yourself. Just growing and nurturing yourself to death. That is where i > think religion steps in, giving insight to life and its true meaning. > Thats just my feeling and actually people do get the satisfaction once > they revert to religion. I also see very bleak chances of me changing > altogether (dont know in what sense, either religious) which would give > satisfaction of life atleast. …

–x–

to which i replied

–x–

never ever say again that whether u r there or not, it doesnt make a difference to anyone. it does to me. it makes a world of a difference. im not sayin this to hurt u but havent u realised that ever since uve left(and i will say left coz i can hardly feel u here), i have been a complete mess. i ruined my health. my grades dropped. and i have been..well strange. i never knew i could be that rude to someone like i have been with u. plz…this is not to make u feel guilty. i am just writin this to tell u that I needed u. u werent useless.

and now when its not me, there r others who depend on u. abbu, ammi, ur wife, ur kids(future). dont u think ure a huge support to abbu and can u imagine how lonely he’d be without u. u both may not express it much, but all the difficult times tht u ve faced together has made him dependent on u too.

u give life to the ppl around u and noone knows that better than i do. u have no right to feel so depressed and ungrateful for all that God has given u. and u should revert to religion not coz ure sick of the world but because u want to celebrate Allah and share ur success and joys with Him. u already have an insight to life. u just lose focus. practice what u preached me. be happy. ill try to do the same. with or without u.

life’s a gift. cherish it.

–x–

this is when i realised that it was my life that was useless. it didnt make any difference to him when im not there anymore. for a month or so he even forgot i existed. there is noone in the whole wide world who depends on me, looks up to me, needs me. this reminds me of another set of e mails

–x–

so what if ur gpa graph detoriated at iba. ure a far more successful man today than ppl with higher gpas, im sure. at the time, gpa seems important but like all other things in life, when it becomes a thing of the past it doesnt matter. we live for the present but when that present is history its out of sight, out of mind. so why work hard for sthg that will not matter in the future? if we only knew what the future holds for us we’d be better off workin future. but what does that matter either? our past, present or future still doesnt justify our meaninless existence? i need to find out what i am doin this world and unless i find that out nothing matters. nothing. not my gpa, not iba, not my family.

ps: im not bein sarcastic. u think im sarcastic even when i m not.

–x–

to which the reply was

–x–

Sidrat you are some degrees above everyone. You have been given much superior brain power, please utilize it to the maximum. I completely understand your thinking behind this, i was going thorugh the same phase that too during intermediate days, guess it was the same age. You indeed are my siamese twin :-0)

I understand what you are trying to say, trust me you have something GREAT potential to achieve in this world, and remeber, “try to make the world with your existance a better place to live in (for the people around you)” My best wishes for you

Howz namaz, you praying nowadays or not? You need to push me too for it,, remember?

–x–

my reply:

–x–

yes i am prayin. not too regularly but im makin an effort. on shab e baraat, i dont what happened to me and while i was sayin my isha prayers, i started cryin coz i felt so guitly for wasting my entire life running after selfish and trivial things. i asked Allah to take me away coz i haent as yet and never will be able to make a difference in anyone’s life around me. n the longer i live the more trivial pursuits ill continue to run after. ill continue addin to the entropy of the system. life really has no meaning. God sent us to obey His commands, but we’re far too weak to do that. the more we live, the more we indulge in sins and the temptations of the world and we forget what we really are here for. i have nothin to teach u. all i know is what i have learnt from u. n i m far too incompetent to be able to teach someone the Quran when i dont have the capability of graspin anything myself. i cannot pass on incomplete knowledge and that is all i have. n even if i embark on a quest for knowledge it is goin to lead me nowehere. i am a nobody destined for nowhere.

and that is exactly what i am. A nobody.