SiD’s Sphere!!

was channel surfing the other day and came across this song which made me laugh. Very few ppl might understand why. ‘Just so you know’ by jesse mccartney. btw, just so u know, my blog generates the most traffic coz of ppl who end up here searchin for lyrics.

I shouldn’t love you but I want you
I just can’t turn away
I shouldn’t see you but I can’t move
I can’t look away

I shouldn’t love you but I want you
I just can’t turn away
I shouldn’t see you but I can’t move
I can’t look away

And I don’t know how to be fine when I’m not
‘Cause I don’t know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus:]
Just so you know
This feeling’s taking control of me
And I can’t help it
I won’t sit around, I can’t let him win now
Thought you should know
I’ve tried my best to let go of you
But I don’t want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It’s getting hard to be around you
There’s so much I can’t say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don’t know how to be fine when I’m not
‘Cause I don’t know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus]

This emptiness is killing me
And I’m wondering why I’ve waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I’m waiting here…been waiting here

[Chorus]
in other news….anthony won roadies 4. i dont know why everyone hated bani so much. but one thing i loved abt the hatred was that it was all obvious. everyone knew who hated who. no faking. ok..im wrong, a lot of faking when the eliminations came…but it was still better than real life. when everything is on the surface instead of lyin dormant inside, its muc easier to deal with. i think i ve said that line before. i feel dejavuee. hehe.

i feel deja vu i a lot these days. thats why ive picked circles to define my experiences. the sun is my latest obsession. Sid’s Sphere it be.

more later. gotta run. sona hai.

There is more and more communication technology and there is less and less communcation.

When you blog, you make ur life public. Whatever information you give out(and I give out a lot) is out there for unknown eyes to read, scrutinise, analyse. Anyone on the world wide web (wherever whenever whoever) has access to ur life and as a blogger who’s purpose is to document my life, i’ve agreed to that condition. To some it may sound freaky, but in this digital age, magazines like Time call me person of the year just because I have an online presence.

Yesterday a former blogger(someone who stopped bloggin himself but still reads my blog regularly without commenting) had this to say.

 Adnan:had made an observation about you

  from your blog

7:57 PM …so was thinking of letting you know

7:58 PM me:

  what?

7:59 PM Adnan: well, I may be wrong here

  but I sensed that you are a lot like I was about a decade ago

 me: elaborate

8:00 PM Adnan: well, depressed may be too harsh a word to describe it

8:01 PM me: does my blog still sound depressed?

 Adnan: a bit of shaky confidence in one’s own self

8:02 PM me:

  im workin on it

 Adnan: well, somewhat

8:03 PM its good that you know about it and are working to correct it

8:05 PM Adnan:I had actually spoke to Kanwal (http://www.pkblogs.com/katlounge) to speak to you if I felt it was necessary

  you almost seemed suicidal

 me:

  lols

8:07 PM thank god for some wonderful friends who saved me

  i do agree i was suicidal

  i do read kat’s blog

 Adnan: thats good

 me: i though she was an art teacher

  not a shrink

  :d

 Adnan: I hope you feel better now

8:08 PM well, I am the shrink

  but I spoke to her since I thought it might seem inappropriate to you if I tried to contact you directly

  its easy to be misunderstood these days

8:09 PM me: noo..

  this is what i was tellin one of the above mentioned friend oday

8:16 PM me: noo..
this is what i was tellin one of the above mentioned friend oday
that the only reason i bounced back was coz i realised ppl cared abt me
and i feel totally flattered now that ure tellin me that u were lookin out for me too
thank you!
u made my day!

8:17 PM Adnan: you are welcome

8:18 PM hope things are better now

*editedthe conversation to include only the part relevant to the post.

I wonder how many other ppl read my blog without lettin their presence felt. I would love to hear from all of you. if not in the same manner as adnan above, u can just comment.

Another tag. by the Queen of tags, as she’s come to be called..Extiinct.

Disclaimer: I dont remember too much of my childhood and all that I used to think or wanted to be, so this will take a great deal of effort. But I guess, it’ll be worth it.

At 5 years,
ummm…I cant remember a thing. lemme do some calculations. So, i was in the 2nd grade whenI was five. No kiddin. ammi had put me to school very early. at that age, i dint want to be anything. i didnt know much abt the world anyway. i guess i just wanted to grow up and be in control of everythin and beat up the older kids who bullied me.

At 10 years,
My nano died when I was 10. I saw my mother cry for the first time. And then I fell sick for 2 months and for the first time in my life I got really bad grades. At 10, all I wanted to be was my math teacher’s favorite student. I loved math. I think I probably wanted to grow up to be a teacher too. But right there, right then, I wanted to be an exceptional student. That, I thought, was the only way everyone would be proud of me.

At 14 years,
At 14, I just wanted to be rich and famous. haha. those carefree years of my life when I didnt have a single worry.

At 16 years,
16 was three years ago. seems like ages. and even though most of my friends were ppl much older than I was, who always said I was too mature for my age, now I just remember a stupid girl who didnt know what was happenin to her. She had pulled a Charlie Gordon. i didnt know what I wanted to be. I wanted to save the world. part of that included bein a business tycoon. wanted to have a huge empire of my own. i know that doesnt make sense.

At 18 years,
A year ago…saving the world is still on top of the list but lots of other things that need my attention.

Today, at 19 1/2,
This may be what I have wanted to always be. A practicing Muslim and a wonderful human being and a great freind. Saving the world, I’ve decided will come later. Anyone who sets out to save the world has to leave behind ppl who care for them, hurting them. I dont ever want to hurt anyone. Great men and women have sacrificed closed ones on the altar of humanity. I’ve decided to delay that.

I dont make sense anymore. I never did.

I tag Mayya and Abeer and Raheel. =p

i dont like circles.
they go round. they end where they began.
there’s no progress.
there’s no moving ahead.
there r no sharp turns or twists.
u know where ull end up.

i hate circles even more when circles go round in circles.

i am a circle. an orbit. a spin. a revolution.

~~Imagine.. Farz karo~~

Farz karo hum ahlay wafa hon,Farz karo deewanay hon,
Farz karo yeh dono batien jhooti hon,afsanay hon,

Farz karo yeh ji ki bipta,ji say jhoot sunayee ho,
Farz karo abhi or ho itni,adhi hum nay chuppayee ho,

Farz karo tumhien khush karnay kay dhonday hum nay bahanay hon,
Farz karo yeh nain tumharay sach much kay maykhanay hon,

Farz karo kay yeh rog ho jhota,jhoti preet humari ho,
Farz karo is preet kay rog mien sans bhi hum par bhari ho,

Farz karo yeh jog ka hum nay dhong rachaya ho,
Farz karo bas yeh hi haqeeqat baqi sub kuch maya ho. 

updated —

I head out to search for beauty but my eyes seem to be a radar to scan ugliness around me, that everyone else seems to ignore. This ugliness comes in the form of all shapes and sizes. Its the ugliness that exists within me and outside me. Its the ugliness that is an inherent nature of a human being and it is the ugliness that the society has collectively adopted. Its the ugliness we chose not to call ugly and its the ugliness that we cover up in a facade of beauty and the ugliness we just chose to turn our eyes away from.

Why have we grown so indifferent?

When the sun comes up, the gazelle wakes up knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be eaten. The lion knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. So it doesn’t matter if you are a gazelle or a lion, when the sun comes up, you had better be running.The above is a parable taught in management schools around the world.And i cant stop thinking of the slowest gazelle. Not the other gazelles, not the lion, no one cares about him.  Its each gazelle for himself. Its each lion for himself. And if you’re too slow, you end up losing the game of life.

So it is the slowest gazelles fault that he was too slow. That his frail legs weren’t fast enough to save him from the lion on his tail. That no one else cared whether he lived or died coz he was a liability anyway. A herd is only as fast as the slowest member, so maybe the slower members should be done away with. They don’t deserve to live, right?

That’s ugliness of the jungle for you. That’s the ugliness of the civilized world too. Thats the ugliness of the fogs we’ve all become.

Extiinct tagged me to list down 5 wierd things abt me ages ago. I’m finally doin it today.

1. I cant look at and talk to ppl at the same time.

2. I’ve been told I move alot while I’m standing and I have no knoledge of that.

3. My life plays tricks on me. Every word I say comes back to haunt me and somehow or the other comes true. 2762 is the biggest example of that.

4. Afer every time, I work out for some time, I eat tons of ice cream.   There go my efforts of tryin to lose some weight.

5. I start coughing when I speak a lot. I noticed it when I started talkin for long hours with him n then with shakiba when only after 30 mins I wouldnt be able to speak coz my throat wud hurt. And now, that I talk incessantly, I am always coughing.